Sounds like something out of the Onion.Ohlongarm,
your story really cracked me up!
"Amish hunts with $2000 Pulsar night vision scope!"
In the same spirit... — here are a few more from imaginary news flashes:
"Chinese foreign minister speaks out against government control of citizens."
"Biden spends $2000 on a 'high capacity high powered automatic assault rifle'!"
"Vegetarian wins steak speed eating contest!"
Matthias