There are many paths on the journey through life.
I think I might have chosen the psychopath.
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There is a state statute (Title 13 Article 368-368.5) which makes it a high crime to have sex with insane or mentally defective individuals.
Considering some of the women I've dated... That makes me a Felon.
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"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you frickin jackass!"
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My new girlfriend really takes my breath away!
She's inflatable.
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The local bondage club was robbed last night, we were all left bound and gagged.
We loved it.
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"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist, as the Police Officer handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.
"Keep it," the Officer advised, "When you get four of them, you get a bicycle."
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"Will you love me when I'm old and ugly?"
"Darling, of course I do."
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I had lunch with a chess champion the other day.
It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
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25% of men in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary...
It means 75% are running around with no medication at all!
I love sleeping. It's like being dead...........
without the commitment.
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If people could read my mind...................
I'd get punched in the face a lot.
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How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
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Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me," she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellows.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
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I'm proficient in three languages:
English, Sarcasm, and Profanity.
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I like you, but...........................
if Zombies start chasing us, I'm tripping you.
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I went back to my hometown and decided to visit the house I grew up in.
I ask the occupants if I could come inside. They said, "No!"
My parents can be so grouchy sometimes.
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Dog owner: Every time a bell rings my dog goes and sits in the corner.
Vet: That's perfectly normal. He's a boxer.
PS: A Couple Of Quickies "then my wife said oppose to what, I can't tell the difference"
Dean---------- Woe is me
